Life: Quantity vs. Quality

What the hell is the point in a long life if you live it in misery? And no, I'm not talking about suicide, or people who are just plain melancholy.

They've switched my birth control because I was showing possible warning signs of blood clots, and have a family history of circulatory problems. I have spent the last two weeks bubbling with hormones, and popping tums because my stomach is a sewer. Last night, I protested out loud "I'll do the two months of guinea pigging, but if this keeps up, I'm switching back. I'd rather die from a blood clot than live like this, and I'm not being dramatic!"

I mean it. I am not about to subject myself to nausea, indigestion, and over all moodiness just because my other stuff MIGHT cause a blood clot. I didn't start taking painkillers because I couldn't handle the pain. What I couldn't handle was the nausea, indigestion, and overall moodiness!

I have been an absolute nightmare to live with. I've taken to throwing things, slamming doors, and swearing out loud when I have a temper flare. Then, when the temper dies down, I apologise to the people around me and then go sulk in my room, overwhelmed by the guilt of what I've just done. I've spent two weeks calling myself stupid, idiotic, childish, and even a coward.

I should be able to handle this! But with everything that I'm already dealing with...Add to that the stress of trying to keep up on my cellphone bill, meds, and rent on the pittance that OW provides...Trying to make plans to go and visit my family for two weeks at Christmas...The house being topsy turvy because one of the roommates is moving out...

I've been thoroughly disappointed and disgusted with myself at every turn. Temper tantrums quickly followed by bouts of depression. I actually caught myself seriously contemplating suicide for the first time in my existence. Sure, I've asked myself 'Do you think it's bad enough that you'd end it?' and generally I scoff and laugh at the preposterous idea. But yesterday, while crying my heart out in the shower, I caught myself staring that the razor and applying logic to the idea, listing reasons why it was in fact the right thing to do. I proceeded to cuss a blue streak, call myself a dirty rotten coward, and then finish washing and get out of the shower.

It took me 24 hrs to talk to someone about it. I actually considered calling the Suicide Help Line because I am the type of person who hates to be a burden on the people around me. I figured if I called someone who's job it was to listen to this sort of thing...But I ended up talking to a friend, instead. I had to laugh when I was informed that this was a thing that was actually expected, considering all that I'm going through. I suppose that makes a certain kind of sense. We can't be strong forever.

I want to be clear that I was not, and am not threatening to kill myself. The fact that I was reasoning it out in my head scared the shit out of me. I didn't keep it to myself for those 24 hrs because I didn't want anyone to stop me. I didn't tell anyone because I couldn't bear the thought of adding that sort of burden to someone else's shoulders. I felt, and still feel, a certain amount of guilt for having the thought to begin with. I am not a quitter. Nor am I a coward. I have strong feelings on the topic of suicide, as do some of my friends. I felt embarrassed to have even thought it, never mind to have admitted it out loud, and now, in a public forum.

That bullshit aside, I need to smarten the hell up. I need to stop being so negative. I need to stop lashing out. I need to be a better friend and roommate. I need to go back to being a better person. I have to stop doing the things that trigger that guilt within me, so that I can pull myself up by the bootstraps and out of this mire of depression.

I know that I'm depressed. Have known for quite some time, and had been doing certain things to keep myself stable. Raging hormones have upped the difficulty level by several degrees. But I can do this. I can survive this and anything else my body, my meds, and my doctors throw at me. They say that the proof of the pudding is in the eating. Well despite all of this kerfuffle, I've lost 8 lbs this month and am below 160 lbs for the first time in over 5 years!

I can do this.

I will survive.

I will live a full and happy life.